San Andreas (Movie 2015)

2 Kernels

Stars: Dwayne Johnson, Carla Gugino, Alexandra Daddario

I have seen my share of disaster movies in my life.  However, San Andreas will not be placed in my memorable category.  It’s more appropriate shelved in my yawn category.  Excited to see humanity’s next great test surviving nature, I felt cheated by the end of the movie.  Poor plot, poor special effects, just about poor everything, and I was in a good mood that day!

In any event, here we go.  The big one that geologists have been warning about forever has arrived.  The San Andreas fault decides to move big time leaving huge gaps in the earth.  As a result buildings tumble and one man comes to the rescue of his broken family.

It would be nice if writers could be a little more ingenious in writing plots besides rehashing old ideas.  The plot is somewhat akin to The Day After Tomorrow, another disaster flick of global warming, where the parent rescues the child.  Only in this instance our hero also rescues his ex-wife (in a totally unbelievable scene) and they proceed to fly from LA to San Francisco to find their daughter amidst the rubble of a crumbled city.  Yeah, right.

Some of the bloopers are so insane that I sat there shaking my head.  The Mrs. gets saved and climbs into her ex-husband’s helicopter with a bloodied face and head.  A few scenes later there’s not a bruise or drop of blood on her. I mean, gee guys, let’s keep a little consistency here.

As far as special effects, the buildings tumble like dominos, making me wonder if anyone out there has ever built a building that is suppose to sway in earthquakes. Apparently not.  After the tsunami comes rolling into town, the special effects go down hill from here on out.  I’m sorry, but the action, scenery, and storyline was a disaster.  No pun intended.

And to top if off, the famous last lines as they stand and look at the ruined city of San Francisco.

Wife:  What do we do now?
Husband:  We rebuild.
They both smile.

Oh give me a break.  Millions have been crushed or drowned.  Not a tear shed, but our family is restored, and our daughter saved with her new boyfriend she just meet three hours ago.  The infrastructure of California has all but collapsed. The Hoover Dam has broken and washed away another good portion of civilization.  Yeah, so let’s just rebuild.  Maybe in another hundred years we’ll fix it if there isn’t another earthquake.

If you’re going to entertain audiences, it might help to write a plausible plot and something that might make me shed a tear over the tragedy.  Frankly, I’m looking forward to dinosaurs in the coming weeks eating humans.  That sounds much more believable.

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